Do you know what? Prison wasn’t too bad. I’m not one of those people who kick off at authority, I pretty much do as I am told. I stay out of trouble, keep myself to myself and as such I didn’t have any trouble. In fact within the two months that I was on remand I managed to get 3 green IEP’s which identified me as a good prisoner. If I had stayed then I would have eventually got enhanced status but you have to do 12 weeks for that – and my time was up!
So Prison is very much a routine: get up 8am, breakfast, get ready for work. 9am work, and then back to the spur for lunch. 12noon lunch, then lockdown and roll count. 2pm work then back to the spur for dinner. 5pm dinner then association and ready for lock up. 6.30pm lock up.
Thats when it hits!
That’s when it hurts!
WTF am I doing in prison? What heinous crime have I done that I deserve this? Next door to me the woman murdered the person she was meant to be looking after, down the corridor is a serious serious drug dealer, on the floor below she is here for 142 common assaults on the police, and the list goes on. Yes there are a lot of people in there for petty crime, and it seems the government’s answer to mental health is to put people in prison but I don’t have mental health issues and essentially what I done wrong was write a suicide note to make sure that Candi could get the dog when I was dead, could run a business legally and not have to struggle with all the things she didn’t understand, to have financial security and the life I had fought for her to have. Yes ok I was angry at her but I was trying to provide for her and give myself a way out of the hell she had caused me – but she couldn’t even let me have that!
Her statement says 4 times that she knew it was a serious suicide attempt – that she knew this wasn’t a cry for help. I was seriously attempting suicide. Begs the question – why report me and put me in prison rather than doing something positive?
I still wonder whether she reported me as a way to save my life. I don’t thank her for it. That was a further betrayal of the promises she made. Was that the level of her selfishness? She couldn’t bear the thought of having the weight of my death on her conscience? Os is she trying to keep me here because she wants to be part of my life? Whichever it is the mental torment of knowing someone who is meant to love you and look after you has put you in prison is unbearable.
Every night behind those doors I rang samaritans and told the story and cried – they answers were all the same. Either she is a serious narcissistic bitch or she has serious mental health problems.
I was on suicide watch the whole time and I had to have a certain amount of conversations with officers, I saw Trauma Support and Safer Custody regularly and told the story time and time again and the answers were always the same.
I made a lot of friends – I was on two different houseblocks and two wings on one and three wings on another. The turnover of people is high – remand is in a receiving prison and for women there are only two in the country so people are in and out on a daily basis. Average stay is about 2 weeks. First question always asked – what are you in for? Again I told the story time and again and the answers never changed.
I kept in touch with a lot of the people I met in prison, I now know people in prison all over the country. None of it is a friendship like you would have normally, but if I need some ‘help’ I know where to go.
I started this post with how did I cope …
I calmed myself knowing that I was going to be out soon and I had ordered enough pills to overdose again when I got home. The first set of pills I took whilst on bail had made me throw up. It probably didn’t help that I swallowed them with Southern Comfort but I done my research and found out they were known for it so I had ordered something different this time. They would be at home…
I pictured myself walking in the front door, opening the tablets, going to my room and swallowing them before laying down and waiting for death to come. I set it into 10 steps and I would count them over and over and over and it calmed me down. THIS (prison) was a temporary situation – like an earache that goes away with antibiotics or pregnancy pain that goes away when you have the baby. This temporary situation was exactly that – temporary. One day soon release would come – both from prison and from life.
Read why I was in prison here: https://pathofdestruction.net/2019/10/04/mal-comms-conviction-criminal-court/