I was attending a session with Kelly, an Independant Domestic Violence Advisor and Counsellor that I had been seeing for a little while and she told me about this and it just seemed to make everything fall into place. Where people had been saying Candi was a narcissist or a psychopath and I had been fighting this as I just didn’t believe it – THIS actually makes sense.
In 2006 Candi presented to me as a Victim and I rescued her. She told me time and time again that I rescued her. It no longer matters whether there was any truth in what she was saying – her story was believed by me which allowed her to be a victim and to put me in the place of rescuer. Her story of course was that her father was her abuser but I can’t make comment on whether that was the truth. No one will ever know for sure.
If you’ve read the story you will know that we stayed in the area until 2014, which meant she could be the victim until then. Her claims of nightmares, not being able to walk down the street, fears of being watched, inability to settle all allowed her to play the victim.
I have also shown that between 2006 and 2014 she made a lot more allegations, particularly against men and particularly claiming sexual assault or sexual abuse of some description. This all added to her being a victim, which again she turned to me to rescue her. She used people for a purpose and as a way to extinguish them out of her life she put them in the abuser role. Every single one walked away from her – she won, she got the result she needed.
Life changed at the end of 2014 … all the ‘demons’ of the past had been left behind and no one knew anything. The last remaining connection was her grandparents so when they visited she dismissed them and made sure that relationship was doomed.
Throughout the next couple of years we built a life again. We became well known in the community, made associates, built a business, put down long term plans with the house etc etc etc. Candi had settled, she was no longer a victim. Life was good, we were all settled and happy and looking at a bright ambitiious and prosperous future.
In 2018, one of the potential abusers of the past came back into her life. This is Lee. She had tried to use him for her purposes back in 2012/2013 but he had stood strong by his commitments. He contacted Candi out of the blue and immediately the familiar patterns began from all those years ago.
The passing out fits returned, the demand for attention all the time, the manipulation of both him and me, the lies to everyone who knew us, the make believe stories, the needing to know if he was falling in love, the changing his appearance … and the self doubt! I saw it all but I thought she was strong enough.
That was my mistake. I believed she had grown up and left all of this need behind, I believed she was settled.
I BELIEVED IN HER!
Sadly, I was wrong. Sadly she still had that need to have someone at her every beck and call, to text all day and all night, to believe in her no matter what and after 12 years I knew the lies and the stories and the manipulations. So she made me the abuser and put Lee in my place as the rescuer.
I know she wont settle – I have seen the pattern before. She has moved back to the Chichester / Bognor area where it all began, where her demons are and where her reputation precedes her. It took 3 months for her to tell me Lee was pressuring her into sex but I’ve heard it before.
I AM HERE and I want her to come home. I will move away with her and together we can build life again. She has ruined me here so there is nothing worth staying for. I am the only one who hasn’t walked away from her, but she is still pushing with everything she has got.
Lee and his family are fawning all over her, giving her the attention she needs to continue to be that victim. When his ‘rescue’ is not enough, she will find a new hero and he will be the abuser. He wont stand by whilst his relationships with his family are tested, or whilst there is a potential that as an accused sex offender he can’t have contact with his daughter.
Thankyou Kelly for making me understand the triangle, and since that day I have spoken to many support workers who are also trained in this and there seems to be a consensus that this makes the most sense.
Sadly the reality is that whilst I was ‘rescuing’ Candi, she was making me a victim. Only there is no one to rescue me ….