If you have been following my blog then you know that I have had several suicide attempts. Sadly I am still here to tell the tale, but at this moment in time I guess those tales need to be told.
I’ve been reading other people’s blogs – I am new to this and looking to see if I am doing it right, and all I see is how this is considered a cry for help, a want of attention, and it brings to mind something I read that the police have said about me.
I am accused by the police of attempting to manipulate my daughters into contact, or or witness intimidation by my suicide attempts and they have actually told her that as a result of my suicide attempts she is the victim.
Seriously? I have never heard so much bullshit in my life! And as a police officer – who the actual fuck do you think you are to know whether I am suicidal or trying to victimise my daughter?
Lets not forget the professional mental health teams, the psychologists and the psychiatrists and psychiatric nurses and counsellors and just the general GP’s all say that its an actual attempt to end my life because of the situation that my daughter has put me in – no none of them can be right can they? After all you’re a DC so you must know more than them!
It really is no wonder I made a formal complaint about her and she remains under investigation, is it? Not that it is even being responded to. Maybe the IOPC will learn about this blog in the next few days – with all the police shaming that’s hidden in icloud storage they might actually take some notice!
But this blog isn’t about the police – this is about deciphering whether I was calling for help or whether it was an actual attack on my life. Only when I have made that decision will I know whether my next attempt will be successful. I think I know the answer, but I’ve put a lot out there for the court of public opinion to decide so I don’t see why this should be any different.
Attempt #1 – October 2018
I couldn’t take it any more, Lucie was suffering, I was suffering and I didn’t know how to make it stop. It was more than I could handle. I was meant to be strong, I was mum, I was meant to be there for her and to try to find a way through this but Candi had always been my rock and kept me strong and now it was her hurting us. I was torn between needing her to help me and needing to help her. I lost it, I didn’t plan it, I just had to do something.
So I left – I got dressed, I got the car keys and I went out the house. Lucie was crying and making it even worse – I had to make sure she was ok so I rang Garry. He knew what I was planning – I told him. He tried to talk me down but it wasn’t happening. He would leave work and go to Lucie. I drove round in circles for a bit so that I was close enough to get to her if she needed me but not close enough to be found. Garry was on his way I just had to wait to make sure she was ok and then I could go. I knew about Beachy Head, I could put the car over there and it would all be over and done with. Deep breaths – wait for Garry to get to her.
I phoned her to check she was ok. She had the police with her – she had them tracking me. I felt betrayed by her. I told her Garry was on his way and hung up. I wasn’t going to let them track my phone. I rang Garry – he still hadn’t left work. He let her down every single time, and she really needed him now and yet again he was letting her down.
Candi had failed her! Garry had failed her and worst of all here was I failing her.
I had to get out of the area, the police were searching for me. I turned my phone off so I couldn’t be tracked and I just drove. My mind was telling me this was it – I was done, I was finished. Candi had said she wanted me dead. Now was the time.
I was probably dangerous on the road – I couldn’t see for all the tears. I still had to know Lucie was with Garry, my conscience wouldn’t let me leave her without anyone, so I still had to wait.
Whilst I was waiting I called in on someone who might be able to support Lucie. Family – she would need her family. I had only been there 10 minutes when the police knocked on the door.
Thats when I found out that Lucie had deserted me too! I rushed to be there for her but it was too late. She was in the hands of Sally who wouldn’t let me near her. Sally who told her I was a c**t. Sally who only wanted her money and had a meeting with Candi to say what a pain in the arse she was. Lucie was with Sally and my daughter was gone!
Garry stayed with me that night. If he hadn’t …. who knows.
Was this a cry for help? Did the circumstances stop me from doing it? She needed me so I stayed to make sure she was ok. If it hadn’t played out that way – I don’t think I would still be here.
Attempt #2 – November 2018
Not even sure if this was November or December now, but this was another manic attempt – no thought, no planning, just pure couldn’t cope. I had pills and medications in the house, I had knives and by now I was so desperate I didn’t know where to turn.
I was being told all these things about Candi – how she was a narcissist, how she had Lucie in her clutches, how she had never had a single care for me or Lucie and that it had all been about her and we wasn’t in contact with each other so I didn’t know what to think. My baby girl? This vile, evil, horrific person – I couldn’t live with that. She had done wrong yes but she had been struggling, she needed help.
Mandy was on the receiving end of my endless tears and texts and knew how bad I was. I hit that point, I was taking those pills. I said my goodbyes to Mandy.
Unknown to me, Mandy rang Lucie. Mandy was highly distressed and crying and begged Lucie to just send a text. Nothing major just a “Hi Mum” but Lucie refused. She told Mandy she didn’t want to know if I was dead or alive. She was more concerned that Mandy had rung her and told her not to contact her again. I think this left Mandy more in shock that it did me. I knew Lucie wouldn’t care less.
Mandy spent hours on the phone with me and made me promise to speak to a counsellor. She got a counsellor on the phone to me there and then, who spent more hours talking me down. I promised I would give the counsellor a chance and we made an appointment for the next day.
Lucie never told Candi or the Police. She really just wasn’t bothered.
Attempt #3 – December 2018
The accomodation was booked, I had 200 ibuprofen and a concoction of other medications. I would check in the following day and settle Amber. I had booked it for 3 nights so if I took the medication on going to bed on the second night, Amber would only have one day where she would be on her own with me laying dead.
Mandy knew. I had Mandy’s phone number and instructions to leave it for them to call her so she could collect Amber. It was all planned – badly, but it was planned.
I sent Candi a message, that one last final message. I asked if she wanted to talk to me. I told her I was planning on going away and that if she wanted to talk to me then I would delay those plans so we could try to sort out what was going on. I told her I was leaving in the morning, and if I didn’t have a text in the morning then I would go.
She didn’t know what I had planned – just that I was planning on going somewhere.
When I woke up she had messaged. It wasn’t easy but it was a starting point to sorting things out. I didn’t go – I had hope we might have been able to talk like adults so I gave her that chance.
Only Mandy knew my plans – so this wasn’t a cry for help but I backed down because Candi gave me hope.
Attempt #4 – January 2019
Candi and I were in Cornwall. We had had a good fews days and my hopes were up again. I knew it was going to take time, but we had just spent 4 hours planning the relaunch of the business. We had considered every obstacle and found a way round it and our plans were solid. In 3-6 months time we would be moving to Wales just as Candi had wanted and we would be opening the photography business again.
We had figured into our plans working days and hours so that we both had chance to have a social life, and scaled things to a more manageable standard. We planned the time between to sort out the stuff at the house, get ready to relocate, give her notice on her accomodation. Everything was set. Yes it would be a long road back but we was at the start of it.
Suddenly, she got a text message. Lee was impatient as she hadn’t replied to him. She went into the bathroom and when she came out she told me she was walking out my life for ever. She told me she had screwed up and she couldn’t cope with what she was doing to me, that Lee was having a breakdown over it all and he wouldn’t let her be part of my life anymore. She told me mentally she wasn’t coping with it, she couldn’t cope with knowing what I was going through on a daily basis. It was better for everyone if I was dead. She didn’t want me to go through the suffering, it was better to end my suffering and let me die. We had both been drinking but neither of us were drunk.
She gave me a bottle of morphine. It was hers from a prescription when she had been in hospital. I drank the bottle in one go and then we laid on the bed talking waiting for me to die. As I began to drift in and out of consciousness she got very agitated and began pulling at her hair, banging her head on the wall crying “make it stop, make it stop”. She told me she needed me, she was coming home, we would go ahead with the plans. She didn’t want Lee but she didn’t know how to get out of it. I couldn’t do anything. I had no control over any of my body, I could just about speak.
She started rambling about being prosecuted for murder, and began pulling at me and pushing me off the bed. I fell on the floor and she dragged me to the bathroom and made me sick. I was so violently sick, and it wasn’t just that end either! She stripped me off and put me in the shower where I continued to be sick. Eventually she got me out the shower and put me in a t-shirt and knickers and dragged me back to the bed.
I came to after a few hours and she was laying beside me asleep. There was a knife beside me and I thought about finishing the job. I lay there pushing the knife into my chest. I had read about it having to be at a certain angle so I prodded around to find my rib cage to go under it and pierce my heart. It was taking time because I was still reeling from the effects of the morphine and it was a struggle.
Whilst I struggled, all the words she had said came back into my head. She needed me. She had been here before when I rescued her from her dad and she said she needed me to rescue her again. There had to be a way to help her. We had come so far this week, and I knew she didn’t want me out of her life – it was Lee! She had said so. I argued in my mind as the daylight came. I laid there with the knife poised trying to work out if I should believe her or not. She woke up. Then it was too late.
Attempt #5 – February 2019
I couldn’t take it anymore. She was playing with my emotions. She would be there for me, she was walking out my life for ever, we would sort the business out, she was walking out my life for ever, she would support me through my physical illness, she was walking out my life for ever. Ambulance rang her, hospital rang her and she wasn’t there but then she was kicking the front door down.
I planned it this time. I bought pills, I grabbed a knife, I booked accomodation and I went. I sent her a suicide note. I changed my phone number. The accomodation was in a false name and paid in cash. I left the car at home so it couldn’t be traced. It was all taken care of.
I took my will to get it verified and had one more night before I could end it all. I had Amber with me so I had to make sure she would be found in time that she wouldn’t suffer. Just one more night and then it was time.
And then I was arrested for the suicide note.
Attempt #6 – March 2019
I had just spent 3 weeks in prison on remand and just got bail. Before I had been arrested I had ordered a load of pills on the internet. Most of them had arrived and been taken by the police when I was arrested but I knew that some of them hadn’t.
I was released from prison, and made my way back to my house. On the way I stopped in a shop and bought a cheap phone and put some money on it. I also bought some co-codamol as I knew they reacted against the sleeping pills I had ordered. As I reached Aldershot I phoned the Samaritans.
I was 100% I was walking in the house, finding those pills and taking them and thats exactly what I did. I walked in and threw my bag on the floor. I could see Candi had been in the house and taken stuff but I planned on being dead in the next few hours so who gives a fuck right?
I took the tablets out my bag, rifled through the post and found the tablets I had ordered, grabbed a bottle of scotch out of the kitchen and went up to the bedroom. I was still talking to the samaritan – an elderly man who was trying to tell me Candi had fucked me over and was she worth ending my life for. I had heard it all before, so many times people had told me how bad she was but it didn’t matter anymore. I don’t care what people think about her, its what I think that matters and I still love her and care for her.
I swallowed all the tablets, washed them down with scotch and got in the bed. I told the samaritan what I had done and he asked me if I wanted an ambulance. I said no. He asked me what I wanted him to do but I’d had enough of him by then and I hung up on him. I laid there and waited to die.
A few days later I woke up covered in vomit. My body was frozen – I couldn’t move. I could smell the vomit and taste it but I couldn’t move. It was all in my bed, on my pillows, everywhere but I just had to lay there. I think I went unconscious again, and I spent a day or two just drifting in and out of consciousness. Eventually – about 5 days later, I was able to get up and I managed to shower and change the bed before I collapsed back in the bed and passed out again. The next thing I knew the police were at my door and I was being arrested for breach of bail. The poor officer had to stay with me whilst I dressed and all she could see was vomit covered bedding all over the landing. She almost vomited herself.
I was gutted! I was still alive. Candi never knew.
Attempt #7 – July 2019
So I had just been convicted on a charge that wasn’t even a committal offence and released from remand prison. I had spent all that time on suicide watch, having to be checked on every 20-30 minutes day and night. It was Easter Weekend and I had no way of getting hold of anything to end my life. I thought about jumping in front of a train or something but that might hurt and I’m too chicken for that. So I had to wait.
After the weekend I had to go to probation who took one look at me and rang my GP and got me booked in the next day. I was back on suicide watch again. My GP wouldn’t give me any pills for more than a couple of days and it takes time to collect enough medication to end your life when everyone is watching you all the time. The appointments were never ending and if I didn’t turn up then someone would come and find me so opportunity was rare.
It got very simple – it was Candi’s birthday and I wanted to give her the present she wanted. My death. I had seen probation that week and the appointments were trailing off now. I had bought some medications on the internet and when I went to bed that night I swallowed the bloody lot.
I was found in a semi-comatose state the next morning by a friend who had been helping me with court paperwork and supporting me through physical illnesses. I had the wrong medications and I was still alive.
Candi never knew.
Attempt #8 – August 2019
In August, probation was on holiday for 3 weeks and I am such a low risk offender that I didn’t need to be seen. There was a court appearance and I had asked the judge to stay proceedings against Candi and Lucie in favour of mediation. I saw the GP the day before who said I wasn’t well enough to go to court – physical illnesses totally out of control due to the situations that are going on, and sent the letter to the court with a solicitor.
Neither Candi or Lucie would agree to mediation. They would rather that I prosecute them through the courts than sit with a mediator to try to solve any issues. This was yet another knife in my heart – the wound is already so deep that the psychiatrist says I’m not coming back from it so I gave up.
Yet again I swallowed an excessive amount of sleeping pills – yet again I was unconscious and yet again I was found. Yet again Candi never knew.
In fact, neither Candi or Lucie know quite how many times I have tried to kill myself or the lengths I have gone to. The police don’t know it all but the ones they do know they say is an attempt to intimidate Candi.
I’m just hoping that Attempt #9 will be the one that works.
I have researched it a bit more thoroughly now and I have trained myself how not to have these manic phases where it has to be done and to be done now. I know I am doing it and I feel safe in the knowledge that I have the tools to do it.
I have also managed to loose those around me who would possibly find me. I am on a trial run – it has been 10 days since I have seen or spoken to anyone and no one has come looking so I feel fairly safe that if I make an appearance in a day or two and then disappear again no one will be looking for me.
I have been on the dark web and read all the books on methods of suicide and I know where I went wrong. Apparently sleeping pills for suicide is a common myth! Well now I know. So this time will be a different method, with different drugs, and a safeguard in place to ensure I don’t vomit.
I have automated posts from my emails and on here so anyone checking my online wont know I’m missing. The first Candi or Lucie will know is when the police are at their door and by then it will be too late!
I wish I could be around to see that moment – but life is full of disappointments. Lets hope I can view it from the other side.
I have also been accepted on for physician assisted suicide in Switzerland. I’ve been accepted for a reduced rate due to my disability and have a charity organisation who have assigned me a support worker to go with me. Only thing is their terms mean that they contacted Candi as my next of kin so she does know about that. I spoke to Garry about it as well and offered to sign the house over to him but he never got back to me. I don’t know if I have the strength to go through the process for it yet. I don’t think Candi would react very well to a bloke on her doorstep with an urn full of my ashes either. Its an option, but I think I would prefer to just fall asleep in my bed in my house and not wake up.
Whichever happens – I don’t intend to be here for Christmas. I’m not doing that again! The plans are in place and in motion. The days are running out, and before anyone thinks about citing mental illness or depression or anything else – I have seen so many psychiatrists and psychologists and I have no mental illness. Yes I am depressed but my decisions are made with clear conscious thought and process and noted within all my medical records. This is where we are, This is the situation. This is my decision.
We all make decisions every day of our life, there is always a consequence. The consequence of my decision is that some stupid fucking copper is going to say I done it to get at Candi. Do you know what? I don’t care what you think – I’ll be dead so it wont matter anymore.
So the question is: Suicide? or Victimisation?
Before you make your decision – just think about it!
I believe everyone has the right to make this decision, but you have to be in control of your thoughts to do that. If you’re doing it to get at someone then thats not a good enough reason. If you’re doing it for you – then peace be with you.