As always I write on behalf of Lisa either through her journals or through speech she has dictated to me. I do not cast judgment or pretend to understand what she is going through. I am the medium to convey what she wants to say/
I have read so much about suicide and how so many people are so glad that they didn’t succeed. Well what if you’re not glad? What if you regret that you failed every single f***ing time and you have now done significant research to try to make sure you don’t fail the next time?
I have read all this about every suicide is preventable but what if its not? What if that person truly wants to kill themselves, I’m in that position.
Someone I knew for a number of years tried extremely hard to support me through suicidal ideation. She had known me and my girls and knew how close we all were and how much we all loved each other and she knew what Candi and Lucie had done to me and as much as it was hurting her she had to admit she had no right to ask me not to do it. She had no right to ask me to live the life I was leading because it was pure tormentuous hell and she said if she had been in the same position she would be doing the exact same thing.
The doctors and the police to a big degree all conclude that I am not mad, this is not the depression talking although I now do have an extreme severe depression (thanks Candi) which just makes it even harder, but they all say that they can’t help me because they can understand the damage that she has done.
BEING AN ADULT IS TAKING RESPONSIBILITY
She said at the age of 26, she felt she was treated like a child. That’s because you act like a child. And actually here we are a year later and ok she may be living as an adult but she is still acting a child. There are 3 psychiatrist reports that all say without any doubt this is her fault. The GP has written reports saying this is her fault. But actually where is the adult taking reponsibility for her actions? She is too busy today going to theme parks and putting the middle finger up on facebook – acting like a child. Age 27 and she receives an email directed by the court and she runs to the police scared to walk down the street?
I know her story – I lived it when she done it to her dad and the previous false allegations she made. It’s old news – we have heard it all before.
I don’t want to be here and whilst I got a conviction for malicious communications because I said it was her fault, that doesn’t actually resolve her of the blame. It is her fault due to what she has done to me,
An adult would have said – mum going away for a few days, instead of mum I told the police you kicked shit out of me and had sexual contact with me a year before you knew me so you got nicked but it was bullshit and I didn’t mean it but you reacted badly so now I gotta fuck Lee even though I don’t want to and feel I am being forced to but unless you get me out of it I don’t know what else to do!
That’s the bottom line and I have the texts to prove it!
I’m bored of this now so I will tell the rest of my thoughts another day if I am here. Meanwhile, go play with your toys Candi – Lee and Hayley. By the time you grow up it will be too late and you will have to live with the fact that you killed your mother.
Until next time people, look after each other. One of us wont be here tomorrow. God bless x